Hilarious Jokes to Lighten Your Mood

People say some pretty funny things. Sometimes it is meticulously planned out by a comedian. Other times, it is our President mangling the English language. Either way, the following should make you crack up.

1. Rodney Dangerfield - My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

2. George Bush - I'm not the expert on how the Iraqi people think, because I live in America, where it's nice and safe and secure.

3. Steven Wright - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

4. Jay Leno - Dick Cheney says he loves California - out here the rich and famous can shoot people and get away with it. Wait till these Enron guys find out that in prison, the term "Insider trading" has a whole new meaning.

5. Dave Attell - You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike

6. Steven Wright - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

7. Rodney Dangerfield - My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

8. George Bush - The only way we can win is to leave before the job is done.

9. Jay Leno - Researchers have found that oral sex among teenagers has doubled in the last ten years. So who says there is no lasting Clinton legacy.

10. Rodney Dangerfield - I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

11. Jerry Seinfield - Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

12. Jay Leno - Al Gore has found a new job - teach journalism at Columbia University. Ironic isn't it? The guy who did all the coke winds up going to the White House, the guy who didn't do coke goes to Columbia.

13. George Bush - To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say: You, too, can be president of the United States.

14. Dave Attell - Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

15. Bill Cosby - A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

Life can be serious, but don’t put too much stock in the pressures of the moment. Tomorrow is a new day and somewhere, somehow, someone will say something hilarious.

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